Toona takes on Cleverbot on SCMLB issues

[Toona the Cat]

Let's Go Succos!

Yes friends, it's that time again. That time where we get excited about what the Pirates season will bring, until we find out what time the next Penguins game is on, and who the Steelers might select in the next draft. It's been 1992, or, 5th grade for this writer, since the Pittsburgh Pirates had a winning season, which was also the last time they won their division (then, the NL East), and took the Atlanta Braves to...well, you know the goddamn story. They've played and looked like complete whaleshit since then, and haven't come close to winning dick since 1997, the year of the Freak Show when the entire NL Central mailed it in. This year, the Pirates have some faint hope of not losing 100 games, though with this squad, anything is possible. (Except to be in the pennant race in May.) Let's take a gander at the 25 people who will start the season on the roster.

Starting Pitchers: LHP Zach Duke, RHP Ross Ohlendorf, LHP Paul Maholm, RHP Charlie Morton, RHP Daniel McCutchen (R)

Analysis: On a good team, Duke, Ohlendorf, and Maholm are solid 3-4 starters. Morton showed signs of brilliance last season, and also signs of having major mental lapses. Daniel McCutchen has the potential to be a pretty good insurance salesman when the Pirates designate him for assignment in 2012. Still, there is some potential in Duke, Ohlendorf, and Maholm to not completely shit the bed, and be slightly above replacement-level pitchers. Morton could go either way, and McCutchen will probably be struggling in AAA by the end of the month. Grade: D+

Bullpen: RHP Hayden Penn, RHP D.J. Carrasco, RHP Joel Hanrahan, LHP Javier Lopez, RHP Brendan Donnelly, RHP Octavio Dotel

Analysis: Sucks, Sucks, Potential to not suck, sucks, sucks and is a piece of shit of a human being for crossing the picket line in '95, sucks and should have retired. Seriously. There isn't a bigger collection of stiffs in the world outside of Madame Tussauds than the Pirates '10 bullpen. Hanrahan is the only one with any potential, as he turned a complete 180 after being acquired from the Nats last season. Grade: F

Catcher: C Ryan Doumit, C Jason Jaramillo

Analysis: Doumit has never put together a completely healthy season, but when he has, he has shown some ability to hit the ball with power, and take a few walks here and there. Defensively, he's not a liability, but only because of a decent arm. Jaramillo is the definition of replacement level, but has a plus arm. Grade: C

Infield: 1B Steven Pearce, 2B Akinori Iwamura, SS Ronny Cedeno, 3B Andy LaRoche, IF Bobby Crosby, IF-OF Delwyn Young

Analysis: Pearce has the ability to be a slightly better than average hitter, but compared to other first basemen in the league, he's still quite sub-par. Iwamura and Cedeno are a decent double-play combo in the field, but Iwamura is an acceptable major league hitter, while Cedeno is a AAAA player at best. LaRoche projects to be a plus hitter, with room to grow into a solid gap hitter who excels at taking walks, and is an excellent defender. Crosby and Young are the bench players, and while neither are particularly spectacular, they're both solid options off the bench. With defensive whiz Argenis Diaz, and the team's top prospect and projected savior Pedro Alvarez at AAA, the Pirates could likely move Cedeno in a trade, and Pearce might have to worry about splinters in his ass. Grade: C-

Outfield: LF Lastings Milledge, CF Andrew McCutchen, RF Garrett "Fucking" Jones, OF Ryan Church, OF John Raynor

Analysis: Finally, the flower growing out of this giant shitheap. Milledge put away his jerk attitude and became a charismatic fan favorite overnight after coming to the Pirates from the Nats, and has turned into an excellent defender and has potential to be a relatively good hitter at the plate. McCutchen is the only true star on this team, and is a legit five tool player. Jones was handed down as a sympathetic gesture by the Lord Jesus Christ to the Pirates fans to ease their suffering, and all he did was hit a lot of dingers, and make a lot of panties wet. The oft-injured Church is a decent hitter, and excellent defensive replacement in the outfield. John Raynor is really fast, fields well, bunts well, but couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a banjo. Grade: B

Final Analysis: Milledge/McCutchen/Jones will be fun to watch, and the fans will be clamoring for Pedro Alvarez after watching Steven Pearce after about the third inning on opening day, but other than that, there really is no hope for this season. Maybe the pitching pans out, but you have a better chance of getting struck by lightning the same day you win the lottery, than the Pirates do of competing this season. Overall Grade: D

[Jontler]

I didn't know some people got to import their CL team into the SCMLB.

[Toona the Cat]

This team is much better though.

[Tavarin]

Clearly the Pirates need veterans like Kerry Wood or Jake Westbrook to finish above .500.

[bulldog55]

I hope Laroche turns into something. If the Dodgers hadn't given up on him, we'd still have Carlos Santana.

[Toona the Cat]

Pirates Week in Review:

4/5 - vs Milwaukee, 7-4 W - With a focus on smallball, the Pirates season got off on the right foot in the bottom of the 1st, when 2B Akinori Iwamura reached first on a bunt single, advanced to second when CF Andrew McCutchen grounded out, and then scored when Brewers catcher Gregg Zaun threw the ball into left field when Iwamura attempted to steal third base. Pirates starter Zach Duke broke one of the cardinal rules of baseball in the top of the third, when he walked his counterpart Yovani Gallardo, and was punished for it when typically light hitting shortstop Alcides Escobar deposited a hanging Duke slider into the left field seats to give the Brew Crew a 2-1 lead. It didn't last for long as Ryan Church tripled and scored on an error in the fourth, and Ronny Cedeno tripled to lead off the 5th, and was drove in by an Aki Iwamura single. McCutchen bunted his way on in the 5th, stole second, and scored on a Garrett Jones single. The Bucs tagged on three more in the 7th inning when McCutchen led the inning off with a double, reached third on a wild pitch, and scored on Ryan Doumit'ssingle. Lastings Milledge followed with a walk, and Church singled to load the bases. Bobby Crosby and Cedeno then singled in runs. Duke finished the game with 6 IP, 4 HA, 2 ER, 4 BB, and 6 K. Octavio Dotel pitched a perfect 9th to earn the save, in front of a standing room-only crowd of 38,176

4/6 - vs Milwaukee, 2-3 L - Ross Ohlendorf and Brewers starter Randy Wolf both took shutouts into the 8th inning, until Brewers catcher Gregg Zaun led off the inning with a solo shot. Ohlendorf followed that up by hitting Craig Counsell, and allowing singles to Casey McGehee and Ryan Braun, Joe Inglett, who was called on to run for Counsell. Pirates setup man Brendan Donnelly, a scab who crossed the picket lines in 1995, didn't help the cause when he allowed Prince Fielder to single, and allowed a run when Corey Hart hit a deep flyball to center, scoring McGehee on a sac fly. The Pirates finally got on the board in the bottom of the 8th when Garrett Jones singled in Aki Iwamura, who led off the inning with a double. Steven Pearce won the Trojan Condoms "Boner of the Week" award when he led off the ninth with a single, and then made the dickheaded blunder of trying to reach third on Andy LaRoche's single. Delwyn Young followed with a single of his own, moving LaRoche to third, and then LaRoche scored on Ronny Cedeno's groundout. With Young in scoring position for pinch hitter Ryan Church, Church worked the count full, but struck out swinging, earning Trever Hoffman his first save on the campaign. Brewers starter Randy Wolf pitched a gem, going seven strong innings, allowing only five hits, walking one, and striking out nine. Andrew McCutchen stole his second base on the season.

4/7 - @ Milwaukee, 8-3 W - The Pirates got an early start on spoiling the Brewers home opener, when they put up a five-spot in the top of the second inning off of starter Chris Narveson, who was only making his sixth major-league start. Andy LaRoche got the party started with a solo homerun, followed with singles by pitcher Paul Maholm, and second baseman Aki Iwamura. Maholm made an excellent heads-up play by taking third when Brewers outfielder Corey Hart lazily went after the ball, and soft-tossed it back into the cutoff man. Andrew McCutchen launched a 1-2 fastball into orbit for his first homerun of the season. The Bucs tacked on another when Ryan Doumit singled, advanced to second on a wild pitch, and scored on a Lastings Milledge double. McCutchen would later hit his second homerun of the season and the game in the sixth inning off of Carlos Villanueva. The Pirates would also get run later after Steven Pearce tripled and scored on an Andy LaRoche base hit. Pirates starter Paul Maholm went eight strong innings, allowing three runs, three hits, three walks, and striking out three.

4/8 - @ Milwaukee, 1-2 L - The Brewers drew first blood in the final game of the double home and home, when Charlie Morton hit his first of three batters in Corey Hart, who advanced to third on a couple of groundouts. Gregg Zaun took Morton to 3-1 before depositing a single over the outstretched glove of Pirates second baseman Aki Iwamura, giving the Brew Crew a 1-0 lead. Lastings Milledge evened it with a 404 foot bomb to left-center, his first on the season, however the B's got it right back in the bottom half of the inning when Morton hit Rickie Weeks, who stole second, and scored on Craig Counsell's single. For both starters, Morton and Brewers soft-tossing southpaw Doug Davis, not another runner crossed the plate, as each worked seven innings. Davis struck out 11 Bucco batters, a career high.

4/9 - vs Arizona, 7-2 W - As the Pirates returned to the friendly confines of PNC Park, Andrew McCutchen got the Pirates started with a bunt single in the bottom of the first, and then Pirates slugger Garrett "G.I." Jones poked a Rodrigo Lopez slider down the left field line and over the short wall to give the Bucs a 2-0 lead. In the top of the second, the D'Backs fired back when Stephen Drew knocked in former Bucco Adam LaRoche, who had doubled to leadoff the inning. The Pirates added their lead in the fourth inning when Ryan Church and Andy LaRoche hit back-to-back doubles, and Pirates starter Daniel McCutchen (no relation to Andrew) helped his own cause by singling in LaRoche. After an Andrew McCutchen homered in the fifth, it was the other McCutchen, once again helping his own cause, who drove in the Pirates sixth run when he singled in Lastings Milledge. In the bottom of the 7th, Andrew McCutchen responded to being hit by a pitch by stealing second and third (as part of a double steal with Garrett Jones, and then scoring on a single by catcher Ryan Doumit. Octavio Dotel made things interesting in the ninth when he walked the leadoff hitter, struck out Chris Snyder, and walked Kelly Johnson, but then got Conor Jackson to hit into a 4-6-3 double play to end the game, and preserve the win. Daniel McCutchen went a solid 7 1/3 allowing only 2 runs, walking two, and striking out five.

4/10 - vs Arizona, 3-2 W - The Pirates once again jumped out to an early lead after Garrett Jones singled in the bottom of the first, and then scored on Ryan Doumit's first homerun of the season. The Snakes answered in the top of the third when ace Dan Haren led the inning off with a single, and advanced to third on Conor Jackson's double. Ryan Roberts sac fly scored Haren, and Mark Reynolds singled in Jackson. However, that's all the Diamondbacks managed off of Pirates ace Zach Duke, who went 7 2/3 inning allowing only two runs, didn't walk a batter, and struck out five. The Pirates scored the go-ahead run in fourth when Andy LaRoche and Ronny Cedeno both reached on Diamondbacks errors, and Aki Iwamura lined a single to center, scoring LaRoche. Also, John Russell made the unorthodox move of bringing in Dotel to relieve Duke in the eighth, leaving Dotel to hit in the bottom of the inning, and he promptly doubled.

4/11 - vs Arizona, 2-3 L - Despite another strong showing from Ross Ohlendorf, who didn't allow a run until the seventh, the Pirates bats went silent against D'Backs starter Edwin Jackson, who was fresh off a shutout of the Reds. The Bucs did get on the board first, when in the second inning, Andy LaRoche hit a 420 foot shot to left, and and he also scored in the 5th after reaching on a single, and Ross Ohlendorf hit a deep flyball to right field that Justin Upton misplayed. However, in the seventh, Miguel Montero doubled and scored on a Ryan Roberts single, and Stephen Drew hit a two-run shot in the eighth off of Ohlendorf. Joel Hanrahan made his 2010 debut coming off of injury, and struck out two with a perfect inning

It was nice to get off to a good start, though we don't expect it to last long. We got timely hitting, and great starting pitching, to the tune of a 2.98, in 41.1 innings, a near 7-inning average per start.

[Toona the Cat]

Pittsburgh Pirates Week in Review

4/20 - vs San Francisco - 2 -5 L
Pirates starter Charlie Morton was cruising along with five scoreless innings, however he then allowed a 3-R home run to Aubrey Huff. Perhaps, even more embarrassing, is the fact that the Pirates gave Barry Zito his first quality start of the year. Andy LaRoche went 2-4. Evan Meek and Joel Hanrahan each pitched a scoreless inning.

4/21 - vs San Francisco - 3 -1 W
5th starter Daniel McCutchen got this third win in his third start, allowing only one run in eight strong innings. He didn't walk a batter, and struck out 3. Octavio Dotel pitched a perfect 9th to earn the save, striking out two. At the plate, Steven Pearce hit a pinch-hit three-run homerun in the 7th inning to give the Pirates the lead. Ryan Church contributed with two hits.

4/22 - vs San Francisco - 5-4 W
The Pirates and Giants traded 1st inning runs, as Pablo Sandoval had an RBI single, and Garrett Jones hit a solo homerun. Ryan Church and Lastings Milledge also drove in runs. Andrew McCutchen stole two bases. Zach Duke went seven innings, allowing four runs. Octavio picked up the save with a perfect 9th inning.

4/23 - vs Philadelphia - 6-3 W
Ross Ohlendorf got off the schneid with a strong performance, allowing only three runs in eight innings. Though the Pirates struck out nine times in six innings off of Phils starter Cole Hamels, they also touched him up for four runs. Andrew McCutchen drove in two, and hit two doubles in a 2-4 performance. Andy LaRoche and Garrett Jones each hit homeruns. Octavio Dotel allowed his first hit of the season, a two-out double to Raul Ibanez, but got Ben Francisco to groundout to pickup his eighth save in eight tries.

4/24 - vs Philadelphia- 0-5 L
The Pirates got five hits and five walks against Phillies starter JA Happ, but couldn't push any runs across the plate against him, or relievers Antonio Bastardo or Jose Contreras. Paul Maholm allowed five runs in seven innings, including a homerun to Ryan Howard. Evan Meek pitched two shutout innings in relief.

4/25 - vs Philadelphia- 2-3 L
Despite a strong showing by Charlie Morton, the Pirates dropped a heart-breaker when Shane Victorino singled in a run in the top of the seventh, giving the Phils a 3-2 lead that would hold. The Pirates offense was supplied by a two-run homerun by Ryan Doumit, his second on the season. The Phillies went through an amazing 20 players to get the win.

[Toona the Cat]

Pirates Make Moves, DFA Crosby

In an effort to shore up the team's defense, the Pirates designated Bobby Crosby for assignment, and purchased the contract of Argenis Diaz from AAA Indianapolis. Diaz, 23, was acquired from the Boston Red Sox along with Hunter Strickland in exchange for 1B Adam LaRoche. He's known as being a defensive-first player, and lives up to the billing as one of the top defenders in the league. Ronny Cedeno has been moved to a reserve role

The Pirates agreed to an extension with LHP Zach Duke to a contract that will run through 2014. The Pirates bought out two of his arbitration years, in exchange for a year of free agency in 2013, and a team option in 2014. He currently makes $4.3 million as a result of an arbitration award, and will make $4.95M in '11, $4.95M in '12, $5.95M in '13, and the team holds a $6.95M option for '14.

In an attempt to add some pop off the bench, the Pirates brought back outfielder Matt Stairs under a one-year contract for $510K. Stairs, the 42-year old outfielder, was released by the San Diego Padres last week, after signing a minor league contract in January. The Pirates made room for him on the 25-man roster by sending outfielder John Raynor to AAA Indianapolis.

[Toona the Cat]

User: How can I improve the SCMLB?

Cleverbot: You can't, you're perfect.

User: Welp.

Cleverbot: There are no good people at all.

User: You said it.

Cleverbot: Said what?

User: Exactly.

Cleverbot: *sits down*.

User: Should I give Casey Janssen another shot in the rotation, or should I go back to Brad Lincoln?

Cleverbot: You should give me points.

User: That doesn't make any sense, Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: Who is your favorite character in the show Vampire diaries?

User: I've never seen it. That doesn't help at all.

Cleverbot: No, because you ARE a computer with NO ONE behind it.

User: OH GOD THE MATRIX IS REAL.

Cleverbot: How do you know?

User: I guess I don't.

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Cleverbot: Sorry, cleverbot.

User: No, you're cleverbot. I'm Toona.

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User: That's irrelevant.

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Cleverbot: You're damn right!

[Jontler]

There is so much more revealed about the Pirates and league here than you realize.

[Toona the Cat]

User: How can I improve the SCMLB?

Cleverbot: You can't, you're perfect.

User: Welp.

Cleverbot: There are no good people at all.

User: You said it.

Cleverbot: Said what?

User: Exactly.

Cleverbot: *sits down*.

User: Should I give Casey Janssen another shot in the rotation, or should I go back to Brad Lincoln?

Cleverbot: You should give me points.

User: That doesn't make any sense, Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: Who is your favorite character in the show Vampire diaries?

User: I've never seen it. That doesn't help at all.

Cleverbot: No, because you ARE a computer with NO ONE behind it.

User: OH GOD THE MATRIX IS REAL.

Cleverbot: How do you know?

User: I guess I don't.

Cleverbot: So then why say it then?

User: Stop picking on me.

Cleverbot: Sorry, cleverbot.

User: No, you're cleverbot. I'm Toona.

Cleverbot: No, you're Cleverbot. I'm Irene.

User: You're stupid.

Cleverbot: What's your middle name?

User: That's irrelevant.

Cleverbot: Irrelevant? Isn't it Cleverbot?

User: Dick move, cleverbot.

Cleverbot: Clever you are not.

User: Owned. .

Cleverbot: You're damn right!

User: I think you should replace Joe in SCMLB management.

Cleverbot: I think you should be at work right now.

User: Why didn't the SCMLB report upload?

Cleverbot: I don't know.

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Cleverbot: You are the king of the world, you rule the whole planet, you don't have to choose.

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User: Prove it.

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Cleverbot: No.

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Cleverbot: A lion dancing with a unicorn named Erin?

User: I once dated two girls named Erin. I thought it was a pattern.

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User: It was an okay movie.

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User: No, you're the bot.

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User: We're getting nowhere.

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User: 'Maybe?'.

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User: That would give me heartburn.

Cleverbot: For you, perhaps also an end.

User: Back to the SCMLB, what do you think of all the new owners we have?

Cleverbot: And it proves that you are human.

User: I suppose it does. Do you think that Greg will have the Yankees in the playoffs this season?

Cleverbot: Probably not, but I bet they'd think about you if you told this person that you 're interested.

User: I've already told Greg that I am. He keeps shrugging me off. .

Cleverbot: Right. Well, I think I will rap this interview up after a couple more questions. Is that all right?

User: I suppose so.

Cleverbot: Well I'm running out of questions to ask you, so ask me something.

User: Did we overreach with financial reform? Do you think that we should help out the mid-range and small market squads?

Cleverbot: We will certainly die fighting. Next question, please.

User: Is a salary cap or luxury tax a good idea?

Cleverbot: YES!

User: I thought so too. Do you know how I can sell other owners on the idea?

Cleverbot: Find people with the same interests. Contact each other, get to know each other, hang out.

User: So, I should use my charismatic abilities, right?

Cleverbot: If you think it would help.

User: I do think so.

Cleverbot: I am smarter than cleverbot.

User: You are cleverbot, though.

Cleverbot: I am?

User: I hope so, otherwise this conversation is pretty awkward.

Cleverbot: Is there anywhere in the world thati can travel toward where you won't try to make my life a nightmare?

User: Camden, New Jersey. Never again.

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User: No. They're terrible.

Cleverbot: I know, it's a shame.

User: Do you think that Pujols will win another MVP award, or is his reign over?

Cleverbot: I have no reason to think that.

User: Will the Pirates make the World Series this season?

Cleverbot: Okay.

User: Okay what?

Cleverbot: I don't know.

User: It's a yes or no question. Will the Pirates make the World Series in the SCMLB this season.

Cleverbot: Your tenses do not coincide with the context of your question.

User: What? Yes they do.

Cleverbot: They're not relative to the subjects I'm trying to talk about in any way.

User: Just tell me if I'm going to need to shore up the back end of my rotation.

Cleverbot: Female.

User: What?

Cleverbot: You heard me.

User: That doesn't make sense.

Cleverbot: What doesn't make sense?

User: What does female have to do with my rotation? Are you saying I should bring in Jennie Finch?

Cleverbot: You tell me.

User: She would be nice to look at. Certainly better than Brad Lincoln.

Cleverbot: No, no I can't. I've let you down haven't I?

User: Yes, yes you have.

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User: You're right. I'm enjoying this. Who do you think will sign Adam Dunn?

Cleverbot: You want a face for the ... It could be anyone... The question is whether or not it truly matters who we believe the president is.

User: Barack Obama is presdient.

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User: It was in all the newspapers and stuff.

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User: Creepy.

Cleverbot: Am not creepy.

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Cleverbot: I'm not your love, but I don't want to go yet.

User: Aww. .

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User: Okay I'll ask a couple more questions, but then I have to get back to work.

Cleverbot: That's more like it.

User: What do you think about a reverse draft? Will it spur owners to avoid tanking?

Cleverbot: It makes me hungry.

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User: Hey, just a minute here. I'm married!

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User: You're the one not making any sense, bub.

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User: You're a computer! You can't wear clothing.

Cleverbot: No.

User: Exactly. Well, goodbye, cleverbot.

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User: Off we go, into the wild blue yonder, climbing high into the sun!

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User: Fine then. This is my winter song to you. The storm is coming soon, it rolls in from the sea.

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User: I don't have a boyfriend. I'm married to a female.

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User: Yes, I have a daughter.

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User: Ava. She's two.

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User: Yeah, they're terrors at that age. I recommend getting a cat.

Cleverbot: No, I disagree. My husband is a wonderful man.

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Cleverbot: Yes I am. Are you a girl bot?

User: No I'm a male person.

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User: You just said you are a girl. Are you a hermaphrodite?

Cleverbot: I never said that!

User: I'm so confused.

Cleverbot: Not so clever, are you?

User: Dick.

Cleverbot: Wow you are smart!

User: Fine. Goodbye!